I know that many of you do not understand me. I know that some of you have thought that you knew me and now wonder if you ever did. I know that you worry about me and wonder what in the world is going on in my head. The only reason you really know to even feel that way is because you have read my thoughts on my blog. If you didn't read my blog chances are you wouldn't even know that I had thoughts, let alone what they were.
And I rub some of you the wrong way. Honestly, I think the people I rub the wrong way are the people I know personally.
I have considered canceling my blog because of it.
I have considered stopping doing any talking unless it just has to do with posting the fun things I do with my kids.
I decided to make my blog Private. That way only those of you who care to read it, will read it. And those of you that it "frustrates" won't have to worry about being frustrated anymore.
I've had to stop and consider why I blog.
My blog started as a way to keep out-of-state family and friends informed as to what we were doing, or more specifically what the kids were up to.
But through those postings I started making friends. And our friendships became deeper over time. And then my blog started containing ideas I had, for birthday parties, for more frugal grocery shopping and meal planning, etc. And through those postings I started making other friends. And our friendships became deeper over time.
And as in all friendships, I began to rely on the advice and support of those in my blogging circle to the point that I could share deeper things.
And I have felt free to do something on my blog that, frankly, I don't feel free to do with real life friends and family ... I have felt free to really share all of myself, both the good and the bad.
Why am I able to do that with women who (most of whom) I have never met?
Because these women do not have any expectations of me. I am not expected to act a certain way or say certain things. They care for me just the way I am.
And, guess what, there are women out there who desperately need honesty and someone, anyone, who isn't afraid to be her full self.
I don't know about your community. But, in mine, you can assume by looking at people on the outside that every couple has the perfect marriage, that their kids never misbehave, that their finances are perfect, and that they have the most beautiful homes. And it makes me feel inferior. Because, I don't have the perfect marriage (although it's pretty darn great), and my kids make mistakes and poor choices (like all kids do), we have made some stupid financial decisions this year, and we do have a beautiful home (but a beautiful home doesn't mean squat).
Oh, I'm sick of plastic people!
And I'm not one of them.
If that bothers you, please stop reading my blog!
This blog is the one place that is all for me. If I have a post about my husband or kids, selfishly it's for me as much as it is for them. If I post a crafty or frugal idea, it's because I actually came up with a good idea and I want to share it and I think someone else might benefit from it. Yes, my motivation is somewhat selfish.
Every person I know is feeling free to live the life they want to live, treating people the way they want to treat people and carrying on without a care for what others think. So, why is it that I am not allowed to do the same? I don't want to treat people badly and I do care what others think. But sometimes I get my feelings hurt or get angry and react in ways of which I may not be proud. The difference with me, possibly, is that I'm just not doing it behind everybody's back.
I deserve the right to have friendships and learn from others and share any wisdom I might have with others.
Believe it or not, there are actually those that like reading my blog and even look forward to it!
I have had several e-mails this week from women asking me to please allow them to follow this blog when it goes Private because they love it, or it's a part of their day, or they have learned something, or they appreciate my honesty, or they don't feel "alone" that they don't have it all together. Even my mother-in-law from Nevada e-mailed me and said that she "doesn't want to miss a minute."
If you are someone I know in real life and you wonder why I'm not talking about these things on my blog with you in person .. it's because I feel judged and like I am failing to meet an expectation you have of me.
This could all be paranoia and trust issues. Maybe it is. But those are things I have to work through. Those are things I am working through. And, this blogging community I have developed .. these friendships .. are helping me to do that.
Bloggers use their blogs for different reasons. Each blogger has a different community of friends based on their interests and needs. And we rely on that community for support and advice and, sometimes, just companionship.
People handle their issues in different ways. Some ignore that they have issues or struggles. Some turn to alcohol or other addictions to mask the problems. Some turn to live support groups. Some do nothing but pray. Some seek the advice of a more experienced person. Some people meet people to date on websites. (And some meet people on websites to do other things). And some blog. I don't do any of those other things. My outlet and place for support is blogging. The blogging community can be thought of as a support group for living life.
I am not perfect. I have frustrations. I get angry at situations and even people. But instead of picking up the phone and calling someone to talk about it, or bringing it up as a prayer request at a Bible study, or attending a Moms group or something, I blog about it.
I do it for two reasons: One is that I need some support. Sometimes I need someone to be on my side, and sometimes I need someone to put me in my place. Both things happen with my blogging friends. And the other reason I blog about it is to maybe, just maybe, help someone else who is struggling with the same thing.
I am not going to cancel my blog. But, I am still going to make it Private. I love blogging. It's something I enjoy and I shouldn't have to stop doing it just because others make me feel bad for doing it. I may change some of what I include in my blog. But, it will be because of my decision to do so.
I need this blog! I need the friends I have made by blogging. You can call me selfish if you want to. And you can think I'm strange or losing it. But, this one hour or so a day that I spend in the blogging world is the one thing I call my own, and I am not going to give it up for anybody.