Friday, January 29, 2010
I mentioned in a previous post that I had an aha moment while on a date with Rick last weekend.
What happened was that in the previous weeks, he had been having some correspondence with his mother about his childhood and their relationship. At dinner he read me an e-mail that he sent to her explaining how he viewed their relationship while he was growing up and how it has made him feel going into his adult life. But what I heard were the exact words he has said to me about our relationship and how it hurts him. What I am doing would not be a big deal to many other men. In fact, most men would probably kill to have a wife that did those things. But to him, it leaves him feeling the same kind of empty that he felt growing up with his mother. There has been a huge hole in him his whole life, left empty by his mother, and I have continued to keep it empty in our marriage. It was a very important moment for me.
So it got me thinking that this thing that I keep dealing with in my life has to come from early on in my childhood as well. Rick asked me if I thought it was just a personality thing. But, I just feel that it can't be. And the reason is that everytime something related to it surfaces, I feel such excruciating pain that I can't hardly breathe. Seriously, I have trouble catching my breath.
Just the other night, after some wonderful time together, we started having a very minor conversation that lead to me having those feelings. He didn't say anything to hurt me. It was a minor memory from my childhood. Seriously, a memory from around kindergarten or 1st grade having to do with a tree between my friend's house and mine and then about that same girl getting chosen to do something I didn't get chosen to do. And I broke down.
I have been on a strange journey this past year. And I know that everything that has happened is God's way of opening up something in me that needs so desperately to be healed. I just know that if I can confront it, whatever it is, and look at it face-to-face, that I can put it to rest and move forward.
Rick thinks so too. He told me how exciting he thinks that it is that I am so close to a revelation about something that will help me to be rid of some bondage! In the midst of dealing with his own pain, his own bondage, he is right there with me encouraging me to press through the revelation of my own.
I want both of us to do this to help break the generational bondage that will follow our children if we don't. Rick and I have been through an incredibly difficult year. There have been some dark times between us. But knowing that he is here with me, pushing through this dark time with me, despite the mistakes we are making along the way, means so much to me.
I told him the other night that if it takes the rest of our lives (and it might), that I am going to be there to help heal him. And, I am thankful he is going to help me do the same.
Rick Rocks ~ Because he's here with me pushing through to the other side!