True Friendship

I didn't plan on posting anything else today. Obviously I have changed my mind.

I have a friend who lives life the way I want to live it.

The Word says, "Then they [older women] can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God."  Titus 2:4-5.

My friend is older than me. And she is wise, so wise. These are some of the things that she models to me.

1. God is first in her life. She doesn't shove it in your face, but she lives it in her life at all times!

2. Her husband is absolutely first in her earthly life, after God, above all else! If people don't understand that or believe in it, she just closes in deeper with him. They are the example of marriage I want to follow. They are not perfect, but they support and love each other. He runs her a bath at night, she packs him a sack lunch when he's going to be out for the day. It's the simple things, the daily ways of caring for each other, that make their marriage strong.

3. She is an excellent, imperfect mother, and now a grandmother. And the children aren't even hers.

4. She is an encourager. She just makes you feel that you are loved, no matter what you think you have or have not done. And she always has just the right words to say.

I haven't contacted her about the things I've been going through, but she read it on this blog. She sent me an e-mail today, out of the blue, and here is a portion of it ...

I can't IMAGINE roughing it with four of your own children and three of someone elses without experiencing some "serial killer moments".  I was impressed by your attitude when planning the trip as well as the description of the awesome sights you saw.  We took the same trip several years ago and as beautiful and breathtaking as it was, it was pretty tough trip and we stayed in a motel every night.  You did good!  I think I would have been humped up (one of my Granny's sayings) not talking to anybody after the first three hours or so.

 

You've got a pretty full plate with just day to day obligations and it's hard to keep in balance.  There's not a clone that walks around with you that tells you to deal with a problem.....count a blessing.....deal with a problem....count  a blessing.... It's probably just as well cause you'd most likely smack the clone (as I would).

 

My point in this rambling is simply this, no matter the expectations we put on ourselves, life occurs as it's supposed to and all we can do is react in the best manner we know how and we're better at that some days than others.

I have been beating myself up so badly lately about everything I am doing. I feel like a disappointment, a failure, even though I have worked to live every day doing the "right" things. I do that for the benefit of my husband and my children, primarily. If I reap benefits from it, then that's just bonus. Although many have tried to be supportive, I haven't really felt supported. I just feel more expectations. I've felt very alone even though I am surrounded by people. It has made me retreat even further into my home and into myself. It has caused me to have an extremely bad attitude about people.

I hate this feeling. I hate this person I feel like I am right now.

But, my friend, in just that e-mail, provided a lighted way for me to come out of it. Just hearing that I'm allowed to make mistakes without judgment has given me a renewed desire and tenacity to get back after it, to get back to fighting my depressed feelings. I never said all of my feelings were rational .. but being overwhelmed will do that to you. 

I get to choose how I feel. No one else is responsible for that. So, I choose to pick up the Word, review God's promises to me, accept the support of my husband and friends and family who are willing to give it to me, cut myself some slack, and get back to living. 

Life is not perfect, and neither am I.

Thank you, my friend, for giving me the courage to step out of this darkness. I know you are there for me when I need you. And I will need you more, I am sure!!