Today we are in Kona on The Big Island. We have an easy day planned. We're going to get in some pool time, walk around on the pier and maybe go to a beach for a while.
Right now I am sitting in my pool lounger .... lounging.
And I am thinking.
Last week I almost fell in. I almost fell into that neighborhood catty female clique fighting junk that has been swirling around me since we moved there three years ago. I have always resisted getting anywhere involved, because I have seen it happening with other neighbors.
When I was a little girl, I had a group of "friends". But, were we? It was definitely a clique. Whether we proclaimed ourselves as popular, or were given that title by others, I don't know. I do know that in high school we were called The Snobs.
I never felt like I belonged in that group, and was always fighting to stay in and be included. As I look back now it is obvious who I really should have been friends with. It was that group of girls I still stay in contact with today. But I guess I was desperate to be coined "popular".
Through my life I have found myself in similar situations. Ironically it's usually at whatever church I am attending. Nothing comes from those situations but hurt feelings.
Then when we moved to our neighborhood it was clear that there was a clique on our street, and I wasn't included. In fact, the glares and such were so evident that it was clear I would never be. As time has passed, I see that those women are not the kind of women I want to be friends with anyway. We are very different. And, that's okay. I don't have any expectations from them to befriend me. I don't even really have any expectations from them to like me.
But, it does annoy me that they talk about me loud enough that I can hear it. It makes me uncomfortable to be in my own backyard. And, that's unfortunate.
Some things have been said recently, and I have responded by making a blog post, and I got a response from a neighbor that sounded supportive but that I took as threatening. And, I wanted so badly to run to my next-door-neighbor and spill to her the can of worms I had opened.
But, I just felt God telling me to shush. It had immediately consumed me to where Rick was annoyed by it. I got myself all wrapped up in it. I even got scared of retaliation. So I felt God very gently tell me to just put it away and not get involved .. to not talk about it again.
Addressing the issue with these neighbors might do some good, or might make things worse. But, most of all it most likely wouldn't make any difference at all. And it would just give them more things with which to talk about me.
So, I'm dropping it. I'm not addressing it at all. After this I will never mention it again ... not to Rick, not to any person and not on this blog. I am going to enjoy my home and my property without the fear of ridicule or retaliation. We have worked hard for our home and we are determined to now enjoy the fruit of our labor.
But all of this does give you a clue as to why I am the way I am. I don't like any kind of group or clique that includes some and excludes others, or makes them feel excluded. That's why I don't join PTO, why I don't do our neighborhood ladies monthly get-togethers, why I don't play Bunko, and why I'm not in a Bible study.
I never want to feel like I am fighting to be included in anything. And I don't want to ever make someone feel like they have to.
I do hope this changes in me someday, because I don't want to be some little old lady with absolutely nobody. I have always envisioned myself living in some spunky little retirement home doing old lady things with the other old ladies. But, time has shown me that mean little girls turn into mean 40 year old women. Why do I think they won't turn into mean 70 year old ones? I guess only time will tell.
In the meantime, I really am happy and content taking care of my family and my home and my puppies and my garden. I have my hands full with that. But I am also Fullfilled! And I don't deserve to be treated badly by other women.
Anyway, the Hawaiian sun must be getting to me, and it's time for a refill of tea. And there's Rick back from his walk around the ship. It's time to get out there and explore.
Have a great day!