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Saturday, April 17, 2010

Depression Hurts

I don't think I have ever written about this topic on my blog. I am a little reluctant to do it now. But, I've always promised to be gut-wrenching honest on my blog. So, why stop now?

I've always suffered from a certain level of depression. It stays away for long periods of time and lurks around waiting for an opportune time to hit. Usually it's when I get tired. Then Wham!

I can remember times in my past where it hit so hard and so fast that I just didn't have the strength to battle it. I can remember telling myself, "I am too tired to fight it today. I'll do it on Monday." I would spend the weekend in bed, doing lots of crying, being completely exhausted. Then I'd pull up my bootstraps on Monday morning and send my depression packing.

My depression has never been the suicidal thought/pack up and leave my husband/drown my kids in a bathtub kind of depression. I just describe it as a major case of the glums. I cry at the drop of a hat. I am angry at nothing. I am extremely agitated at touch, sound and light.

As I have said a hundred times, this has been a situationally difficult year. Finally around the holidays I gave into what I have fought for years, and let my doctor put me on a mild anti-depressive. Life this year has been great! I didn't attribute it to the medication, however. I just knew that our situations had improved 100% and I just felt naturally more positive.

My prescription this month ran out and because I had been feeling so good, I decided not to refill it. I just didn't need it anymore. Seriously, within 48 hours I noticed that I was really agitated. Hearing the music to Super Mario Brothers was really annoying me. I was angry at the puppies if they were under my feet. I wasn't talking to anybody. I really wanted to be alone. I was having trouble going to sleep at night.

Last Saturday was a beautiful day! Rick and I had plans to take Eli and Brynne to the zoo. On the drive there Rick asked me what was wrong. I told him I didn't know. Because, honestly, I didn't. He could tell, too. I seriously burst into tears right there in the car, right in the middle of a sentence. It was so startling and unexpected that Rick even started laughing. I said "Don't laugh at me!" And then I started laughing. I had absolutely no reason to be down ... None!

That is what is so aggravating about depression. You can't stop it even when you know it's completely ridiculous!

I told Rick that I had stopped taking the medication and he asked me if I could link up the change in my feelings to that. I honestly had to say, "Yes."

So I refilled my prescription on Sunday.

Here's the thing. Depression hurts. (Just like the commercial says.) But, do you know who it hurts the most? It hurts those around you. (I really could be in a commercial.) Your husband and children can't understand what is wrong, so they naturally assume they are doing something to cause it. Your poor puppies just look at you with sadness when you push them away and yell at them.

It's not worth it.

The other thing depression does is make you completely incapable of having positive responses to situations when they do arise. You try to look through the cloud, but you can't. That happened to me this week. A situation that I might have been able to handle with clarity practically put me in the bed.

If a small, inexpensive medication can keep my husband, children and pets from feeling sad and lonely because of my depression, and make me able to respond with an ounce of positiveness to situations that arise, then it's worth it to me to take it.

I have learned that my depression is not as situational as I once thought.

It's true depression. It must be handled.


  1. Nicole, I'm sorry you are dealing with depression. I too, just asked my husband if I should get back on medicine. I've been off for years now, but feel depression creeping in. I hate it! However, it is real. I have a lot of the same symptoms as you. I really do not like medicine, but am not above taking it when needed. Hope you feel better soon!

    I haven't exercised now for a couple of months. I know that will help like you mentioned. Hope you have a great week!

  2. I admire for you for writing this. I don't think there's anything wrong with taking medication, if it's helping you-and it sounds like it is.
    My husband deals with depression, and it is hard on the kids and I at times. He hates the fact that medication is the only thing that helps, but I notice a huge difference if he doesn't take it.
    Thinking of you!

  3. It's hard to put your finger on WHY people treat one illness different than another but it is an illness just the same. A diabetic doesn't want to be diabetic, but it is what it is and you have to respect it and treat it. You have absolutely no reason to hide this from ANYONE! It's much better than having a third eye.....Hopefully no one that reads this has a third eye or I'll feel awful!!!

  4. Girl, I have battled depression for a long, long time. I've been on every anti-depressant out there (so it seems). I am all for the meds when it comes to depression. I also hate that it's ANOTHER pill that we have to take but it does help immensely! Glad you're seeing improvement.

  5. Hey Nicole, I have been so out of touch...probably due to my own little bout :) I'm sorry you have been feeling down and I so hope you are doing much, much better. I just started exercising again myself this month and I am amazed at what that has done for me. I now feel in control again. I think a lot of my feeling down has to do with the longggggg winters here. I will never get used to them.
    Thinking about you lots:)


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